Boy Asks Santa for an 800-Page Jan 6 Committee Report

Just a few days before the Christmas holiday, little Timmy of Washington, who prefers to go by T-Dog when around friends, got his chance to sit on Santa’s lap and politely express his Christmas wishes. Reportedly, the 10-year-old boy, who said it’s probably his last year of “chillin’ on Santa’s lap” because he’s “getting too old for it, though,” explained that Kevin McAllister in Home Alone made him realize that the local mall Santa is not the real Santa. According to witnesses, T-Dog asked only for one item because his mother had already bought him 4,500 Robux coins a couple hours earlier. The item? An 800-page Jan 6 Committee report. One person close to the local mall Santa said that the jolly old elf was surprised by the boy’s “liberal bias” and usually preferred to “keep politics out of” his line of work. But in a moment one can only describe as out of character, the man with rosy cheeks made worse by a mild case of psoriasis, blurted out, “but he said to march to the Capitol peacefully!”