McCarthy Wins Speakership on the 312th Vote After Freedom Caucus Members Drop Dead

Kevin McCarthy has won the speakership on the 312th vote after a dozen GOP defectors from the Freedom Caucus died of old age and/or excessive Uber Eats and/or food poisoning. Republican George Santos, still yawning and seated alone, claims to have seen the first body hit the chamber floor, possibly the first and only truth he’ll tell as a Congressman-elect.

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